I’ve been reading a lot, yes lately I’ve been up late trying to search for my answers, to come to a proposition, a solid solution to my longing, my longing for happiness.
I am desperate to create and find ways to achieve this, been thinking a lot, contemplating, how do I end this war in my head.
Many times I wish I can confide to someone and say all these things inside my head, my heart and my longings and that this someone will be able to understand and relate to it.
Sometimes I would laugh at myself for this kind of empty feeling that I have, as I said I’ve been reading but nothing stays, I am having a hard time swallowing some thoughts, even understanding the simple sentences written. I feel dumb and my head seems useless. It was like full but empty at the same time. It’s funny because as I read each sentence or words in the book it is fading right away, like the sand being washed ashore by the waves, I couldn’t catch up. It is worse than amnesia. It’s that kind of feeling where, you are there and someone is saying something, you can see their mouth open and say the words but there is not a single sound to make it comprehensible, you could not even read the lips, you could not even come up with a reaction to what they’re wording, other than gape and open your eyes as wide as you can and try to listen and hope that a sound would come out and you could finally hear and understand what it is.
I wish I could overcome this. I know that I will. Mechumi will, she will rise above this. Sounds and colors will come back soon.